A (toZ) conversation with me and myself ..

For the Red Dress Club.  Just read about it over at She Suggests  that there was such a writers' place [how wonderful is that] and that the writing prompt was as she posted as easy as abc  -- so, I wrote this conversation that I had with myself after my photoshoot this morning.


A(toZ) conversation with me and myself:

A ridiculous proposition is what it is, I’m telling you. 


But, I think the timing is perfect, the beginning of the year, been wanting to do it any way.



Challenge, more like a way to expose you?
Do you think you will really transform yourself in the next twelve weeks?



Even if I don’t get swimsuit perfect, health is the goal, right?



Forty-six, going on forty-seven in a few weeks, swimsuit perfect?
Get your head outta the clouds woman!



Hey, you aren’t being nice to me!



I am not being nice to “myself" you mean.



Jerk.



Know-it-all, and right as rain, you mean.



Look, we need to get in shape.



Man, you are talking to yourself, you know that right?



Now, seriously, I’m just trying to motivate "myself" into actually modifying my lifestyle to be healthier and more active.



Other people will see your bulging buttocks.



People won’t see, I didn't sign a release, and it is their business on the line and you are such a freaking critic.



Queen of denial, was that a song written about you?



Really, I am going to do it, I've told the blogworld!
So, stopping the negative spiraling right now!  
The time is now to get in shape, make lifestyle changes.
Unfortunately, I know that not taking care of myself has taken a toll.
Vegetables, fruit, exercise, sleep, relaxation and less stress -- get used to it.



Whacko.
X-ray vision won’t be necessary for people, they will see all that jiggles in those bike shorts!



You are more toxic than refined foods to me, you, you , you saboteur!
Zip your lips for the next twelve weeks and prepare to be AWED!

The Clock is Ticking! Loudly!

In less than two hours, I will be in a bikini for a photo shoot. Not for VS. And, there will be no photoshop/otherwise photo editing. For a twelve week body transformation challenge. I am considering changing my mind. About the attire, not the challenge. To something less revealing. More sporty. I have sports bras and bike shorts. But, I figure, this is for me, I want to see the difference, and this particular bikini, well, it doesn’t cover any bumps or lumps or curves with black lycra.


I have been overweight for a long time. Those of you with the ‘stop the fat talk’ blah blah - stick it in your pocket. I really don’t want to hear it right now. Although I know the purpose behind stop the talk. This is not that talk. This is reality. This is my life. This is my health we are talking about. It really is not about how I look in the bikini. Okay, well, in two hours it will be.

For those of you that I know love me just the way I am and believe I am beautiful. Well, I love you too! But, I also know that you really do love me and you would like me not to develop high blood pressure or diabetes or die prematurely of heart failure. mwah! Me neither.

I joke. But, the clock is ticking, right. And, there are reasons to be serious about this. Not least of all: to model a healthy lifestyle for my girls. Also, not least of all – my blood pressure went up when I was pregnant with Gia – at the end. Yeah, it is a long story and could have been because my body was allergic to her, or something insane. She was IUGR. She wasn’t growing. My placenta decided it was done at like week 26 or something. I don’t know what all was going on, but it scared the crap out of me. Mostly then because I wanted to have her out – alive and breathing and in our life [like she is now, I am so phenomenally blessed!]– I didn’t want Lia to have to deal with a stillborn sister. And, no, I could not imagine it for myself, a grown educated woman - so I could not bear to think of it for her.  Or for Mike.

Immediately after having her, my BP regulated. Well, I mean after the massive dose of blood pressure meds that the anesthesiologist gave me to bring my BP down during the cesarian, where the epidural was not working and I had to choose the numbing shots into my uterus over the general -- because that would not have been good for her, so I could feel way too much and actually bit the anesthesiologist's hand during the extraction.  I am pretty strong.  I pulled his hand down over my mouth and yep.  Bit.  Mike couldn't be in there, it was an emergency.  Hospital policy.  So he was in the hall with three angels that then existed in my world.

Afterwards, I was scared and thought I would seriously do something about my health then, because, look at the tiny 1155 gram baby I needed to be around to take care of. Yes, 1155 grams is about 2.5 pounds. Tiny. Okay, baby home, life happens. Mike had read articles about women that have high blood pressure during pregnancy and the statistics (I have mentioned he is a scientist – I do business, and emotions, he does statistics) about the women developing chronic high blood pressure/heart disease within five years. WELL, she turns FIVE during the next twelve weeks [okay, maybe I procrastinated a little]. Not to mention, my birthday is not long after (so no chocolates, unless they are at least 70% okay?).

No you aren’t getting statistics and photos today. And, I’m not sure you will get them at all. But, I’ll let you know how things are going! 

Oh, and don’t worry. I stepped into the shower last night with a warehouse-sized bottle of Nair and removed my winter coat that had grown on me from bikini line down! Eek. There was no way a razor would cut it [get it? Cut it? Haha. I’m trying to distract myself from the fact that I’m going to be in a swimsuit in front of a camera, work with me, laugh... okay, not at the fact that I’m going to be in that situation, at the cut it joke!] I’m hoping that the drain doesn’t permanently clog! I know, I live in the tropics, but still, it is cool and rains often and so I wear jeans and tights and long pants and nature takes its course. The European genes kick in after about two days and viola - winter coat. Dark and lovely on milky white skin. Seriously, it wasn’t pretty! Even if I don’t loose a centimeter, I think Mike will be pleased that his legs are now hairier than mine again!

I am writing on the fly and publishing without re-reading.  I figure signing up and doing this challenge and telling you about it, will make me accountable. I really don’t like failure. And, when I have thought about it before, I have only told a friend or two [you know the ones that love me and know chocolate and red wine and nachos make me happy!]

Oh and this isn’t a weight loss challenge. It is a transformation challenge. Diet, lifestyle and body (not just weight, but fat percentage and measurement). So, here is to my health!

By the way,  Lia came out of the bathroom, while I was writing this, to tell me her Auntie that was here recently left her bikini here and that we need to mail it to her!  [Be proud of me -- I did not scream, that is my f-ing bikini and I am wearing it for a photo shoot in an hour and a half 56 minutes!  -- okay don't be too proud, I was still snarkley about it!] 

Cracks build character.

Yes, I haven't been here.  I'm not sure where I have been.  Oh, for one incredible day I was at the happiest place on earth in a foreign land with just my two girls. We were there longer than that, but for one day, they were mine, all mine, and I was theirs. 

She captured our hearts and has kept them  ...

I started this blog for a particular purpose.  Then, I piddled around with it and posted a few things.  I skirted the reason for beginning it. I was, am, remain, afraid.  I am not good at being vulnerable.  The topics in my mind lead me to vulnerability's door.  The memories my mind holds bang on it and ring the doorbell, those hidden in my heart will just kick the door down. What happens when the door breaks? That is what terrifies me. 

I started to write this blog to deal with what was (then) nearly a decade of life.  Lia's life.  Here is a glimpse of her.




Turning two she already had a style her own ....

 

and she has returned wonder to our world...







 
  

She has always had a pure heart full of abounding love ...

   

She is a true princess ...






 I struggle with talking about any of the things in my heart or mind, because (ptiu ptiu) I am so incredibly blessed.  I don't want to jinx that.  Not that I believe in jinxing.   I don't want to seem ungrateful, because I am not.  I don't want her to think that any of this is her fault, because that just isn't even in the realm of possibilities.  Indeed, she is and has been the joy that has lit our lives for ten years.  She remains that joy that fills our life with light (with some help from her little sister now). 

 



 

She is a pure beauty with a pure soul.





I must admit, though, I know that I feel that so much of it is my fault that I don't know if I can bear it all spilling out and tainting everything it touches.   I do not know if I have the courage. 

Now, she is TEN.  A DECADE. 



I didn't lose her, I still have her.  Or, rather, I  have her as much as any mother could have a just-turned-ten almost-teenage girl.   And the decade of her life and our life with her, is full of what has made us us.   And, truthfully, we all made it through the decade pretty well.  2010 ending, actually helped me, encouraged me, made me find the guts to at least start to look back and appreciate what has actually happened, while I sit in wonder at the present.  Living with fear and trepidation every day fogs the present and you can lose it forever.  I know going back through it will not be pretty, although I know there will be much joy too -- the cracks will appear.  But, I am sure of who she is enough to know that the cracks won't matter to her.  Her love is too strong, her will too great, her heart too big.  She will feel deeply and she will grow stronger and lovelier and kinder with it.  She is becoming a far better person than I have ever been.  But, what more could a mother ask?  And, as for me, with the wrinkles and creases beginning (okay, getting deeper) maybe no one will see the cracks and what is behind them and I will actually be more whole, than less. 

This is my Lia.  Growing up so incredible, in spite of the world, in spite of me, in spite of spite itself. 

She is my shining star!  I am so proud of her and in awe of her. 

I hope me sharing parts of her story with you does her justice.