Cracks build character.

Yes, I haven't been here.  I'm not sure where I have been.  Oh, for one incredible day I was at the happiest place on earth in a foreign land with just my two girls. We were there longer than that, but for one day, they were mine, all mine, and I was theirs. 

She captured our hearts and has kept them  ...

I started this blog for a particular purpose.  Then, I piddled around with it and posted a few things.  I skirted the reason for beginning it. I was, am, remain, afraid.  I am not good at being vulnerable.  The topics in my mind lead me to vulnerability's door.  The memories my mind holds bang on it and ring the doorbell, those hidden in my heart will just kick the door down. What happens when the door breaks? That is what terrifies me. 

I started to write this blog to deal with what was (then) nearly a decade of life.  Lia's life.  Here is a glimpse of her.




Turning two she already had a style her own ....

 

and she has returned wonder to our world...







 
  

She has always had a pure heart full of abounding love ...

   

She is a true princess ...






 I struggle with talking about any of the things in my heart or mind, because (ptiu ptiu) I am so incredibly blessed.  I don't want to jinx that.  Not that I believe in jinxing.   I don't want to seem ungrateful, because I am not.  I don't want her to think that any of this is her fault, because that just isn't even in the realm of possibilities.  Indeed, she is and has been the joy that has lit our lives for ten years.  She remains that joy that fills our life with light (with some help from her little sister now). 

 



 

She is a pure beauty with a pure soul.





I must admit, though, I know that I feel that so much of it is my fault that I don't know if I can bear it all spilling out and tainting everything it touches.   I do not know if I have the courage. 

Now, she is TEN.  A DECADE. 



I didn't lose her, I still have her.  Or, rather, I  have her as much as any mother could have a just-turned-ten almost-teenage girl.   And the decade of her life and our life with her, is full of what has made us us.   And, truthfully, we all made it through the decade pretty well.  2010 ending, actually helped me, encouraged me, made me find the guts to at least start to look back and appreciate what has actually happened, while I sit in wonder at the present.  Living with fear and trepidation every day fogs the present and you can lose it forever.  I know going back through it will not be pretty, although I know there will be much joy too -- the cracks will appear.  But, I am sure of who she is enough to know that the cracks won't matter to her.  Her love is too strong, her will too great, her heart too big.  She will feel deeply and she will grow stronger and lovelier and kinder with it.  She is becoming a far better person than I have ever been.  But, what more could a mother ask?  And, as for me, with the wrinkles and creases beginning (okay, getting deeper) maybe no one will see the cracks and what is behind them and I will actually be more whole, than less. 

This is my Lia.  Growing up so incredible, in spite of the world, in spite of me, in spite of spite itself. 

She is my shining star!  I am so proud of her and in awe of her. 

I hope me sharing parts of her story with you does her justice.